10 Things a Friend shouldn’t Do/Say to a Recent Divorcee
To all of the loving, well-intending, wise friends who are trying so desperately to help your dear friend out of the spiral they have been sucked into called “divorce hell”, I have been on both sides of the friendship coin, and my advice also comes from love. If you have a friend whose most trusted companion has recently crapped all over their dreams, whose soul mate has just ripped out her heart and devoured it with a side of fava beans and chiante, please, please please don’t say:
“I’m glad they left you so you can focus on yourself now.”
Firstly, only single people say that. Only individuals who have never been married would see your breakup as an exciting opportunity to merely shake off “dead weight.” In a marriage, sacrifice is a privilege, not a burden. In time, you as the single friend will be an amazing asset, and a wise teacher of new and vivacious things. You can remind her that she is amazing all her own, and don’t need no man to be whole. But for now, your friend just needs some TLC.
Don’t exclude her from giving marital advice. We willingly take relationship advice from those who haven’t been married yet, but once someone is divorced, why are they kicked off of the advice giving conga line? Living through the best and worst of a marriage should put your divorced friends on the top of your marriage advisory list. Besides, chances are, they have been through marriage counseling and can offer you some free nuggets of wisdom straight from the therapist!
Don’t be more excited for your friend’s breakup than she is. If you aren’t sure how to react, it’s best to match her level of devastation. If she is in tears, bring your tissues. If she is burning her wedding dress, grab the kerosene. If she is at the club trying to pick up on every man she sees… take a sister home. Overall, try to follow her on her healing process, even if it seems all over the map at times- that’s normal.
Immediately after your loved one has separated, don’t constantly remind your friend how excited she should be. On one hand, discussing the future may help your friend become more open to possibilities, but in the first year or so, it’s all about crisis management.
When she says, “I don’t know what happened…” That’s a rhetorical question, people. DO NOT tear apart her marriage on her behalf. Most people unwind their marriage in the months and years following a divorce. Some of us are in emotional shock until after the divorce is final, and the real healing doesn’t begin until crisis mode ends.
Divorce isn’t contagious. Don’t worry that your marriage might be on the brink of collapse because your friend’s relationship didn’t last. Divorce is like death. When someone we love dies, we contemplate our own mortality. When a couple we care about splits, we question the future of our own relationship. Remember, as similar as they may seem, their problems are not the same as your problems. It’s like a death in the way she’s grieving also, but divorce isn’t a disease, and you won’t catch it!
Please don’t say, “God hates divorce.” She may not have any control over her circumstances. Many spouses file for divorce because they simply want a fresh start, and that’s that. The other party is left to start over whether he or she likes it or not. Alternatively, there may be an abuse situation of the spouse or of their children, and the one leaving may be mustering every ounce of courage she or he has. You never know why the split is occurring, one can only speculate, but it’s best to offer compassion than to judge. (PS, Everyone hates divorce.)
You don’t have to choose sides. If you are friends with both individuals in the couple splitting up, it’s best to decide how you want to handle it, and then let them know. Don’t force them to play against each other for best/worst friend while they need YOU during possibly the lowest point of their lives. If you want to stay friends with both of them, you might need to ask them not to discuss the details of the divorce with you. That will be difficult for a while, but that period in their lives won’t last forever. You can still be a great friend to both of them without listening to them trash talk each other.
Don’t push your friend to date if she isn’t ready. It takes time to heal after a break up. For many, the more time people take to heal and get their lives back in order, the better they will be for a new partner. When the time is right, your friend will drop hints when she’s ready to bring her sexy back.
I’ve been the friend with all of the wrong responses to my broken-hearted besties, and I’ve been on the receiving end of well intended sentiments. Having friends who are there to listen when you need to fall apart, friends who celebrate the small triumphs with you, and those who always believe in you are great allies when your life is undergoing a makeover are the divorcee’s dream team. “Starting over” doesn’t happen overnight, but with a friend like you supporting her, checking in, and reminding her she’s still just as amazing as always, she’ll get there! In truth, there are no perfect responses in these situations, and any friend who checks in during the chaos of a divorce is a treasure, xo.
Add your own no, no’s below in comments:
Nice girl in waiting…
DisabledandDivorced 