I’m sharing this fabulous article from Psychology Today discussing the development of trust in every type of relationship. One of America’s favorite authors, and Ted Talk legends, Brene Brown is the inspiration for this piece. I shared with my best friend, and all of you trusted readers!
I hope you are doing well, and finding joy in this new year!
-Mary
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/owning-pink/201209/the-worst-kind-betrayal
10 Things a Friend shouldn’t Do/Say to a Recent Divorcee
To all of the loving, well-intending, wise friends who are trying so desperately to help your dear friend out of the spiral they have been sucked into called “divorce hell”, I have been on both sides of the friendship coin, and my advice also comes from love. If you have a friend whose most trusted companion has recently crapped all over their dreams, whose soul mate has just ripped out her heart and devoured it with a side of fava beans and chiante, please, please please don’t say:
“I’m glad they left you so you can focus on yourself now.”
Firstly, only single people say that. Only individuals who have never been married would see your breakup as an exciting opportunity to merely shake off “dead weight.” In a marriage, sacrifice is a privilege, not a burden. In time, you as the single friend will be an amazing asset, and a wise teacher of new and vivacious things. You can remind her that she is amazing all her own, and don’t need no man to be whole. But for now, your friend just needs some TLC.
Don’t exclude her from giving marital advice. We willingly take relationship advice from those who haven’t been married yet, but once someone is divorced, why are they kicked off of the advice giving conga line? Living through the best and worst of a marriage should put your divorced friends on the top of your marriage advisory list. Besides, chances are, they have been through marriage counseling and can offer you some free nuggets of wisdom straight from the therapist!
Don’t be more excited for your friend’s breakup than she is. If you aren’t sure how to react, it’s best to match her level of devastation. If she is in tears, bring your tissues. If she is burning her wedding dress, grab the kerosene. If she is at the club trying to pick up on every man she sees… take a sister home. Overall, try to follow her on her healing process, even if it seems all over the map at times- that’s normal.
Immediately after your loved one has separated, don’t constantly remind your friend how excited she should be. On one hand, discussing the future may help your friend become more open to possibilities, but in the first year or so, it’s all about crisis management.
When she says, “I don’t know what happened…” That’s a rhetorical question, people. DO NOT tear apart her marriage on her behalf. Most people unwind their marriage in the months and years following a divorce. Some of us are in emotional shock until after the divorce is final, and the real healing doesn’t begin until crisis mode ends.
Divorce isn’t contagious. Don’t worry that your marriage might be on the brink of collapse because your friend’s relationship didn’t last. Divorce is like death. When someone we love dies, we contemplate our own mortality. When a couple we care about splits, we question the future of our own relationship. Remember, as similar as they may seem, their problems are not the same as your problems. It’s like a death in the way she’s grieving also, but divorce isn’t a disease, and you won’t catch it!
Please don’t say, “God hates divorce.” She may not have any control over her circumstances. Many spouses file for divorce because they simply want a fresh start, and that’s that. The other party is left to start over whether he or she likes it or not. Alternatively, there may be an abuse situation of the spouse or of their children, and the one leaving may be mustering every ounce of courage she or he has. You never know why the split is occurring, one can only speculate, but it’s best to offer compassion than to judge. (PS, Everyone hates divorce.)
You don’t have to choose sides. If you are friends with both individuals in the couple splitting up, it’s best to decide how you want to handle it, and then let them know. Don’t force them to play against each other for best/worst friend while they need YOU during possibly the lowest point of their lives. If you want to stay friends with both of them, you might need to ask them not to discuss the details of the divorce with you. That will be difficult for a while, but that period in their lives won’t last forever. You can still be a great friend to both of them without listening to them trash talk each other.
Don’t push your friend to date if she isn’t ready. It takes time to heal after a break up. For many, the more time people take to heal and get their lives back in order, the better they will be for a new partner. When the time is right, your friend will drop hints when she’s ready to bring her sexy back.
I’ve been the friend with all of the wrong responses to my broken-hearted besties, and I’ve been on the receiving end of well intended sentiments. Having friends who are there to listen when you need to fall apart, friends who celebrate the small triumphs with you, and those who always believe in you are great allies when your life is undergoing a makeover are the divorcee’s dream team. “Starting over” doesn’t happen overnight, but with a friend like you supporting her, checking in, and reminding her she’s still just as amazing as always, she’ll get there! In truth, there are no perfect responses in these situations, and any friend who checks in during the chaos of a divorce is a treasure, xo.
Add your own no, no’s below in comments:
Have you ever been spelunking? It’s a funny word but for some people…ehem…for some people, it isn’t so fun.
Sharing about your breakup is like spelunking for the claustrophobic girl with the big butt who keeps looking down into the water at the black caves below wondering: how far in before they narrow and my wide hips get caught in the dark space? “Child bearing hips” your dad always said you’d be thankful for someday…he was wrong. I didn’t need them after all.
Under the water, in the dark hole, will your friends be so eager to catch their breath that they swim away, or will they realize you got stuck and stay with you to pull you free?
****
Right about the time my heart and soul were burnt to a crisp and the ashes were blown to the 4 winds was the same time my friends were ready for me to get to my single empowerment stage. What I was, was in shock. Frozen. Paralyzed in disbelief.
I would say things like, “I think I’m doing well considering.” And, “I know it will work out for the best.” But I didn’t have any other words. I couldn’t articulate that I was numb, melting with heartsickness, and felt like I was floating away. I was doing well considering I hadn’t done anything to get thrown in prison or a mental hospital. Check!
So, my friends would tell me what an exciting time this was in my life.
Was it?
They told me what went wrong in my marriage.
Is that what happened?
They said that I didn’t need him, and I was better off now.
I don’t? I am? You sure?
By the time my marriage ended, I was about an inch tall. [If you are reading this measuring at that height, please know that without shade, you start growing back to your normal size surprisingly quickly…with a few good friends.]
While everyone is ready for an exciting, single, Carrie Bradshaw life to begin, I am more of a Mess in the City.
I had read the book of Job before, but reading it in the first months following the separation made an incredible impact on me. Job lost everything. Everything. His health, his land, his business, his family, and his reputation. While he was laying naked in a pile of ashes grieving his losses, crying out to God asking “Why!!!??” His friends dropped by and reminded him what a great world we live in, how grateful he should be for what he still has, that things will get better in time, and basically, to buck up and dust off (literally, he was covered in ashes).
Job was trying desperately to convey to them how deeply he was overcome with grief. His faith in God was rocked, and he didn’t feel anyone could understand what he was going through. He felt abandoned by God and he told his friends he would have preferred to have died in birth than to live through this pain. He made it clear that he never stopped believing in God, and he never would, but couldn’t understand why God would allow all of this to happen to him. At that time, I read the book of Job feeling like I was reading my own thoughts.
Later, God rewarded Job for staying strong in faith, and restored his life to even greater heights than he could have hoped. But during that season of heartbreak and deep personal loss, he felt completely alone, even though he did have his friends surrounding him, and trying their very best to lift him up.
Even the closest most compassionate friend doesn’t know how to console you when the worst happens. What can you say? There are no words. And even if everyone says and does the perfect thing, it’s difficult for us to fully receive it when we are in so much pain. But when someone is there, when they check in, when they don’t give up trying to say something, when they don’t swim in the opposite direction when you are stuck and can’t breathe… it is a true blessing just to know they are still right there beside you.
And for me, when I am ready for my single empowerment phase, I know I’ll have a great cheering squad who is on the ball.
DisabledandDivorced 